Roller Coasters

Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt His name together. I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:4-5

When I was a child, my dad somehow convinced me to ride a big roller coaster with him on our trip to Disney World. As we started slowly chugging upward, I was filled with overwhelming fear. I turned to him and said, "Can you ask them to stop the ride? I don't want to do this anymore." He laughed and tried to calm me, but I said, "No really, I need to get off the ride." He tried to explain that it was too late. I reasoned that "If they only knew how scared I was, they would stop it for me!" But at that point, the point of no return, we were off, and no amount of my tears would stop gravity. His helpful advice was to close my eyes, hold on tight and "don't forget to scream!"

Sometimes I feel this same gripping fear when it comes to being bold for God. When I first got saved, everything in regards to religion was scary to me. Faced with a simple task such as introducing myself to a pastor or talking with someone about God felt like slowly clicking up the rickety tracks to the apex of a wild ride. I often would find myself panicking and running away from the situation in fear, telling God, "Turn off the ride! I want to get off!" And because He knows me and every inch of my gigantic, irrational fear, in most cases God has let me get off the ride until I can re-collect my nerves.

Lately though, I've been feeling more like God has climbed up next to me, looked me square in the face and said, "April, now you're just stalling. The time has come to ride the ride. Just trust me."

After my traumatic experience at Disney World, I spent many years at theme parks avoiding the bigger rides. But watching my excited friends having such fun while I sat on the sidelines holding their sunglasses made me long to join in. So, one day nearing the close of my senior year in high school, spurred by my own disappointment-fueled anger, I just jumped up and did it. I rode a scary ride. And I survived. And all I could think when it was over was - AGAIN!

Casting Crowns sings, "I wish I had the kind of faith it takes to climb out of the boat again, on to the crashing waves. To step out of my comfort zone, into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is." I often pray for this kind of faith. And God has been faithful in return. He has grown me in my desire for more awkwardness, more uncomfortable situations, more anything if it will mold me into what He wants me to be. And when I am of sound mind and body, I beg Him for these things - for God to push me, to grow me, to basically bring it on. But in the midst of fear, it's terribly hard to ask for MORE.

But, just like the disappointment found in living vicariously through others' experiences at the amusement park, today I see other people living the life I want to live for God. And I am tired of sitting out, of skulking passively on the sidelines, removed from all the action.

Third Day has a song called Take From Me with the lyrics, "Please take from me my life when I don't have the strength to give it away to You, Jesus." And this is my newest prayer - that God wouldn't wait for me to be 100% OK with His plans for me. That He would start ignoring my frightened pleas to "Stop!", forcefully weaning me from the insulated waiting room I've been residing in for so long now - even if that means the only other option is to close my eyes, hold on tight and SCREAM!

So, yeah - for my first ride: I'm getting baptized on July 30th.

[Woooooshh] "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"