I'm Dying, Here!

To come to the pleasure you have not, you must go by a way in which you enjoy not.
St. John of the Cross

So, one of our pastors did a sermon on the power vs. the presence of God. He said that the power of God is meant for one use - to usher people into the presence of God, but that many people never cross the line into His presence. He discussed the biblical scene in Exodus when Israel set at the base of Mt. Sinai. When God began to show His power in big ways, most of Israel took off. Moses alone walked up the mountain and into the presence of God.

He asked us, why do you think the rest ran from God's presence?

Tommy Tenney writes in his book The God Chasers:
"With one hand, [God says], 'Call Me closer and I will come because I want to come near.' Yet at the same time, He holds out His other hand in warning while saying, 'Be careful. If you're going to get any closer, make sure that everything is dead. If you really want to know Me, then everything must die.' So, when we beg for God to come closer, He will, but He also says, 'I can't really get any closer, because if I do, your flesh will be destroyed. I want you to understand that if you will just go ahead and die, then I can come near you.' That is why repentance and brokenness - the New Testament equivalent of death - brings the manifest presence of God so near."

So, we are only able to draw near to God, and He to us, when we die to self. Perhaps this fear of death, this repulsion of self-sacrifice, is why the Israelis shoved Moses forward while taking themselves two steps back. David Crowder has a song called Everybody Wants To Go To Heaven, But Nobody Wants To Die. I understand this paradox.

I remember how terrified I was to do anything "religious" when I was first saved. Even now, I am often anxious. I get more wigged out than most around religion. I'm not sure why. Everytime I find myself having to do something religiously scary, I say things like, "I'm dying!" or "You're killing me!" Seems a bit overdramatic, but the fear I feel is real.

I realized awhile back that if such tiny things like talking with someone or having someone pray for me caused such a large recoil reaction, it was more than likely something that involved God, something He probably wanted me to do, and so I should probably do it. Sometimes I did.

But now I am starting to realize that my panicked reactions of "I'm dying!" and "You're killing me!" were more true than I knew at the time. I do pray and ask God to draw near. And He says, Ok, but you have to die a bit first. When I soon find myself in a situation that requires me to step out in faith, I either back away like the scared Israelis at Mt. Sinai (mostly), or walk toward Him like Moses (rarely).

When I do attempt to take a step forward, what I experience is a sort of death. It is, as Roberta Flack would say, killing me softly. At least the parts of me that aren't of God. My fleshly self has to be pruned, the ungodly bits of me removed like the excess growth on a Disney World topiary. But after I writhe around for a bit, cringing at the torture invoked by these mini self-ocides, my reward is that God and I can take one step closer.

I am learning to rejoice in the midst of the agony of it all, because I know the eventual end outweighs the means.