Dunk n' GoNuts

As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." Matthew 3:16-17

So, I am a very sensory person. And I long to feel God. I hear stories all the time of people experiencing God's presence in amazing ways. But I have found what I've thought would be my most important moments with God to be quite disappointing when held up to the sensory standards and expectations I've placed them against.

I was saved in a Sunday service. Internally, I was an emotional wreck during the process. And for all my "troubles" - pushing through my anxiety and surrendering myself to God - I was expecting something amazing in return: a spine tingle and goosebumps, the hallelujah choir, a beam of sunshine upon me, or at least a few doves flying around somewhere. Something. Anything! But I felt nothing. And so I suspected that nothing had happened. Looking back, I now know that is not true. I know that my new life was set into motion that day. But I longed to feel it like so many others claim.

I think everytime I do something God-ish, I have somehow come to expect these moments of feeling an intimate, personal communion with Him. And I become disappointed when I don't get them. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it's me not noticing Him in the midst of my nerves over surrendering. Or perhaps God does back away from me a bit sometimes. Because it seems to me that He only gives us what we want once we finally realize it is not what we need. And I think God has had to give my rational mind plenty of lessons on believing despite sensory evidence.

1 Peter 1:7-8 says, These have come so that your faith may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.

And so, yeah, I get baptized tomorrow. The past has taught me to approach this day in full expectation that it will probably feel simply like people watching me get dunked in a lake. And that is fine, because I am not doing it to get anything, but to tell the world that God rocks and I'm on board.

But while I am sure it will be an ok experience in itself, part of me can't help but hope it will be something more than just going through the motions. I want to feel something. (And since we are supposed to be specific about our prayers, I'd like to add that fish or water snakes or any other marine creatures swimming around my person is not the kind of thing I'd like to feel). I am not sure what exactly I am looking for, but I'm positive I'd know if I got it.

Either way, I know that God and I will both be present. And only good can come from such an intersection.