One-Two-Punch

To make a fighter, you gotta strip ‘em down to bare wood. You can’t just tell ‘em, “Forget everything ya know.” You gotta make ‘em forget it in their bones. Make ‘em so tired they only listen to you, only hear your voice, only do what you say and nothing else …Then you gotta show ‘em all over again, over and over and over, til they think they were born that way. Morgan Freeman, Million Dollar Baby

I spent much of my childhood as a pretty sad puppy and I hated God for many years because I thought it was His fault for abandoning me. But I now realize He’s been with me all along. It was me that was running away. I ran for almost 27 years before I finally stopped. But even then, it was a mess.

When I was first considering becoming a Christian, I began to have anxiety attacks. I asked one of the pastors, “If being a Christian is so good, then why do I feel like crap?” He said that I was probably just reacting fearfully to the idea of giving up control to God. I definitely struggle with letting go. God has tried to reach me and teach me numerous times throughout my life, but I was stubborn and rejected all the attempts. I fought them tooth and nail. I wanted to be, as William E. Henley emoted, “the captain of my fate and the master of my soul”.

So, like the coach in the movie, God had to bring me back to the beginning and strip me down to bare wood. He had to make me forget all I thought I knew, forget it down to my bones. And when that breaking process began, my life seemingly turned to crap. Everything was horrible. It was a T.K.O. I saw a T-shirt once that said "Before you can cry 'Abba', you must first cry 'Uncle'". And so I did. Finally, stubbornly, grudgingly - I threw in the towel and surrendered.

And now that I have God as my coach, He is building me back up. He is teaching me to only listen to Him, to only hear His voice, to only do what He says and nothing else. And then He shows me these things all over again, over and over; because frankly, I can be extremely dense and I need all the practice I can get.