Am I Really Ready to Rumble?

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matthew 16:24-25

So, on many occasions, I find myself wrestling with God for control of my life. Of course, God and I facing off is somewhat like a match-up between Andre the Giant and the most petite member of the Lollipop Guild. A pointless fight, really. But one that I foolishly dream of winning someday.

Tonight I was ruminating on how much I try to take control of my life. I prayed about it. I asked God to help me realize just how little control I really have of my life. But after thinking about my words for a few seconds, I vetoed that idea.

I said to God, “Nevermind, don’t do that. Cause if you answer that prayer and try to show me my true lack of control, you will probably have to allow something to happen to me where I feel really out of control, huh? And I can’t say I want that. How’s about if I just promise to learn the lesson the easy way instead of you teaching me the hard way? Sound good, God? Greeeaaat…”

Even in my prayers where I’m confessing my control issues and requesting help for my struggle, I realize I am telling God, “Hope you don’t mind, but we’re doing things my way.” (Have you ever danced the jig with Conviction? I have. He’s a lousy partner. Always stepping on my toes).

Friends have warned me that for the major issues we each entertain, one might not feel freedom immediately after seeking God’s help. They say that one might have to surrender these things to God on a daily basis, over a lifetime perhaps. But on the issue of control, I am not quite sure this is even enough for me. I think I might have to up the frequency to an infinite number of real-time surrenders, where I am perpetually letting go, every second if need be, until my mind reflexively begins to adapt the pattern and hopefully settles into the worn groove of habit.

Yes, come to think of it, I have determined this is exactly how it shall be. Hear that, God? I’ve made another decision about how my life is going to go...

D'oh!

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21